Purpose? I've stopped dreaming about her a long time ago
Some people I know have been reading my blog. At first, I felt happy when they told me. But somehow, after a while, I feel like I was out of the closet. Wow, not in that sense. {I wasn't trying to hide there and watch you change, [random girl's name (I feel like putting a name of someone I know here, but they all suck so... All the girls I think are hot are strangers and I don't know their names. Maybe that's hot. Oops, can't work up the courage if I baiting to get pestered by them)], I swear.} I now feel like I have an obligation to my readers. I guess that's normal, maybe even a good thing.
I also have a weird feeling that I will fuck this all up. {All these in curly brackets are the aftermath edited, and if you read the one above my point exactly.} I guess that's normal. Stand-up comedians imagine they would bomb on stage to prepare for the worst. Mothers imagine bashing their babies skull onto the television because that's the exact thing they are most terrified of. I guess by that logic, I am also scared of losing my readers, how few that number may be. I also have a theory that I write better at the end of my wits, and now that I have something fulfilling in life {(this)} I would stop being interesting. That might happen, it might very well be true, but it's not necessarily needed to be.
That's one of the things that suck when you're living alone. Very easy to get stuck inside your echo chamber. You thought you had it under control? Think again. Still do? Eh, maybe you do have it under control. At least it is beneficial for you to have that kind of security. In the end, you know you best, and nobody really knows what's going on anyway.
I've been trying hard to do meaningful things for the past couple years. To me, the most fulfilling thing I could do right now is to get paid. {That's the only aspect in a [normal] life I haven't figured out.} Of course, there are some restrictions. I would not go on XnlyFxns. A normal job. Flipping burgers is fine. But I am stuck with school. I am technically doing a master's.
Now with all the courses out of the way, I've finally got some time to do some projects that will actually help me to get a job rather than some fancy cardboard paper which they don't even give out anymore. Now it's just a PDF saying I have sit my ass in this school for much longer than I wanted to. {By the way, I had a 4.3 GPA by the end of bachelor's but still jobless. I will get into this a bit later.} But I'm tired. I kinda want a break. I don't remember what I did last winter but it probably was something grindy.
I feel so pressured. By a lot of things. Peer, money, time, etc. I am even feel pressured when hanging out with friends.
I am friend with this one guy. He seems to think that he's got his life under control. He's a loner like me. He got worked up over productivity. I'm tired of hanging out with him. I'm tired with school, work, and friend. Do I just leave them all? I know I really want to. I will get into this in more detail soon.
The guy friend sounds great on paper, I know. He's got a good mindset, and booksmart. But he's got many quirks that I hate. He breathes loudly, complains a lot, sighs like he's got a pair of elephant's lungs, type super fast and LOUDLY. He squirms over the tiniest bit of uncomfortableness. And he is a super nerd. A real geek. I can't converse with him in 23-24 y/o dudes convos but sometimes a raging, brainrot teenager, and sometimes a 40+ y/o CS professor. I have put up with it since I don't have any other friend. But I am tired now. All he wants to do over Christmas is to work on some coding project. I just had so much of that shit as my coursework, and I thought I got away from it for a while. {Not to mention, today is my birthday. TBH I almost forgot about it. Dude said nothing. He and another friend, who is also a nerd and an introvert. I would wanted to throw a party. Not with these two dudes. But I've got no friends. I think life shouldn't be like this. There, he just sent me a text, which I know he would. This is so sad. For 3 years now, I have been alone during Christmas and New year. I have more likely than not forgot what it meant by holiday. Everyday I don't go to work, everyday I stay at home. Because I can work at home and I don't have lots of friends, and all of my 2 friends want to sit inside and play boardgame of video game or code. Not that we would want to go outside in the Helsinki thick fat grey sky that has barely some light from 10 to 15 with rain and sleet all the time anyway.} Now I have to do project? Will it ever end? Does this mean I hate coding now? No, I just hate what people do. I hate the fact that you not only have to try hard at school, you have to make a bunch of "side" projects to show case that you are the prime candidate to be exploited as a corporate slave!:) All my life I have always wanted to be a nerd. A geek. Someone who is very good at and make money out of computers. But the quirks are catching up faster than I thought they would. I now can't stand people like my friends, even though they are very good at computers and are making money out of it. Fuck those Steve Jobs and Bill Gates biographies my parents gave me pretending to be Santa Claus when I was in 2nd grade. Fuck that Russian Quiet flows the Don novel and the Little House on the Prairie show that gave me the idea Europe would be fun. I don't feel fulfilled at all working in this field full of either shy self-shaming introverted bitch nerds or self-absorbed obnoxious know-all douchebag twats.
I'm just gonna get my degree, come back to VN, do whatever job available there, flipping burgers, and maybe when I feel like it I will code. I will not do it for the sake of having my life work thrown away by corpos because they have reasons to do so. This programming shit cannot be my bread and butter, no matter how I enjoy doing it by myself. I hate the hypocrisy surrounding the field. I used to think that those fuckers who are milking the field will die off when the bubble bursts. Turned out they just invent new shit and keep milking the shit out of everybody. Solving logical algorithms seem like the furthest thing this field currently offer. All the hype is about AI and which cloud provider you can micro-manage the shit out of better. It's fucking paper work. And for that it's no better than blue-collars but the only muscles you work are the fingers, and not the musician kind. It's the stamp and putting on clipboard type. This shit cannot be further from life. No wonder why they told developers to go and touch grass. And they make a fucking app out of it.
These kinds of stress-addicts are the reason corpos pay to make products just to be thrown away. People acting like products are spilling out of their guts. I would not work just to get all I've tried so hard to make get thrown in the trash even if you throw money at my face. Not like they pay you much anyway. It's real-life NTR.
The only reason left I can think of is for me to know how it's like. For the experience. But fool me once. I came all the way to Finland to study cause I wanted to "experience the world". Now I say fuck those people who talked me into this. The world is bullshit upon lies and now I have experienced it, and I know I wished I had remained in Vietnam, by now I would have put food on the table and knocked a girl, while staying blessedly oblivion.
P/S: I have actually wrote this a lot more reserved on paper, but when I type it down, the emotions just kind of exploded on their own. I was writing about how this all sucks, but I fear the responsibilities so much I know I have to suck it up, otherwise my life would go down the drain. About how I feared punching the guts out of the bullies in primary school but didn't because I was scared of being expelled (I was a good kid and I heard about how some student got that cause they got into fights), and how it's all happening again, and this time my opponent is fucking life itself. Life's a bitch and then we die.
The scene where Frank Gallagher shout "Fuck you, I'm still alive" to God is as astonishing as it is bitter.
I am a thrill addict as well. I long for the thrills of life. But the price to that thrill is so high; however, I don't feel whole without it. I am conflicted.
Looking from a more holistic and complex science perspective, if I continue to walk on the edge of chaos like this, I'm going to be just fine. And that calms my nerves a bit. Sometimes you've got to let the wild fires burn.
I also have a weird feeling that I will fuck this all up. {All these in curly brackets are the aftermath edited, and if you read the one above my point exactly.} I guess that's normal. Stand-up comedians imagine they would bomb on stage to prepare for the worst. Mothers imagine bashing their babies skull onto the television because that's the exact thing they are most terrified of. I guess by that logic, I am also scared of losing my readers, how few that number may be. I also have a theory that I write better at the end of my wits, and now that I have something fulfilling in life {(this)} I would stop being interesting. That might happen, it might very well be true, but it's not necessarily needed to be.
That's one of the things that suck when you're living alone. Very easy to get stuck inside your echo chamber. You thought you had it under control? Think again. Still do? Eh, maybe you do have it under control. At least it is beneficial for you to have that kind of security. In the end, you know you best, and nobody really knows what's going on anyway.
I've been trying hard to do meaningful things for the past couple years. To me, the most fulfilling thing I could do right now is to get paid. {That's the only aspect in a [normal] life I haven't figured out.} Of course, there are some restrictions. I would not go on XnlyFxns. A normal job. Flipping burgers is fine. But I am stuck with school. I am technically doing a master's.
Now with all the courses out of the way, I've finally got some time to do some projects that will actually help me to get a job rather than some fancy cardboard paper which they don't even give out anymore. Now it's just a PDF saying I have sit my ass in this school for much longer than I wanted to. {By the way, I had a 4.3 GPA by the end of bachelor's but still jobless. I will get into this a bit later.} But I'm tired. I kinda want a break. I don't remember what I did last winter but it probably was something grindy.
I feel so pressured. By a lot of things. Peer, money, time, etc. I am even feel pressured when hanging out with friends.
I am friend with this one guy. He seems to think that he's got his life under control. He's a loner like me. He got worked up over productivity. I'm tired of hanging out with him. I'm tired with school, work, and friend. Do I just leave them all? I know I really want to. I will get into this in more detail soon.
The guy friend sounds great on paper, I know. He's got a good mindset, and booksmart. But he's got many quirks that I hate. He breathes loudly, complains a lot, sighs like he's got a pair of elephant's lungs, type super fast and LOUDLY. He squirms over the tiniest bit of uncomfortableness. And he is a super nerd. A real geek. I can't converse with him in 23-24 y/o dudes convos but sometimes a raging, brainrot teenager, and sometimes a 40+ y/o CS professor. I have put up with it since I don't have any other friend. But I am tired now. All he wants to do over Christmas is to work on some coding project. I just had so much of that shit as my coursework, and I thought I got away from it for a while. {Not to mention, today is my birthday. TBH I almost forgot about it. Dude said nothing. He and another friend, who is also a nerd and an introvert. I would wanted to throw a party. Not with these two dudes. But I've got no friends. I think life shouldn't be like this. There, he just sent me a text, which I know he would. This is so sad. For 3 years now, I have been alone during Christmas and New year. I have more likely than not forgot what it meant by holiday. Everyday I don't go to work, everyday I stay at home. Because I can work at home and I don't have lots of friends, and all of my 2 friends want to sit inside and play boardgame of video game or code. Not that we would want to go outside in the Helsinki thick fat grey sky that has barely some light from 10 to 15 with rain and sleet all the time anyway.} Now I have to do project? Will it ever end? Does this mean I hate coding now? No, I just hate what people do. I hate the fact that you not only have to try hard at school, you have to make a bunch of "side" projects to show case that you are the prime candidate to be exploited as a corporate slave!:) All my life I have always wanted to be a nerd. A geek. Someone who is very good at and make money out of computers. But the quirks are catching up faster than I thought they would. I now can't stand people like my friends, even though they are very good at computers and are making money out of it. Fuck those Steve Jobs and Bill Gates biographies my parents gave me pretending to be Santa Claus when I was in 2nd grade. Fuck that Russian Quiet flows the Don novel and the Little House on the Prairie show that gave me the idea Europe would be fun. I don't feel fulfilled at all working in this field full of either shy self-shaming introverted bitch nerds or self-absorbed obnoxious know-all douchebag twats.
I'm just gonna get my degree, come back to VN, do whatever job available there, flipping burgers, and maybe when I feel like it I will code. I will not do it for the sake of having my life work thrown away by corpos because they have reasons to do so. This programming shit cannot be my bread and butter, no matter how I enjoy doing it by myself. I hate the hypocrisy surrounding the field. I used to think that those fuckers who are milking the field will die off when the bubble bursts. Turned out they just invent new shit and keep milking the shit out of everybody. Solving logical algorithms seem like the furthest thing this field currently offer. All the hype is about AI and which cloud provider you can micro-manage the shit out of better. It's fucking paper work. And for that it's no better than blue-collars but the only muscles you work are the fingers, and not the musician kind. It's the stamp and putting on clipboard type. This shit cannot be further from life. No wonder why they told developers to go and touch grass. And they make a fucking app out of it.
These kinds of stress-addicts are the reason corpos pay to make products just to be thrown away. People acting like products are spilling out of their guts. I would not work just to get all I've tried so hard to make get thrown in the trash even if you throw money at my face. Not like they pay you much anyway. It's real-life NTR.
The only reason left I can think of is for me to know how it's like. For the experience. But fool me once. I came all the way to Finland to study cause I wanted to "experience the world". Now I say fuck those people who talked me into this. The world is bullshit upon lies and now I have experienced it, and I know I wished I had remained in Vietnam, by now I would have put food on the table and knocked a girl, while staying blessedly oblivion.
P/S: I have actually wrote this a lot more reserved on paper, but when I type it down, the emotions just kind of exploded on their own. I was writing about how this all sucks, but I fear the responsibilities so much I know I have to suck it up, otherwise my life would go down the drain. About how I feared punching the guts out of the bullies in primary school but didn't because I was scared of being expelled (I was a good kid and I heard about how some student got that cause they got into fights), and how it's all happening again, and this time my opponent is fucking life itself. Life's a bitch and then we die.
The scene where Frank Gallagher shout "Fuck you, I'm still alive" to God is as astonishing as it is bitter.
I am a thrill addict as well. I long for the thrills of life. But the price to that thrill is so high; however, I don't feel whole without it. I am conflicted.
Looking from a more holistic and complex science perspective, if I continue to walk on the edge of chaos like this, I'm going to be just fine. And that calms my nerves a bit. Sometimes you've got to let the wild fires burn.
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