Like an ant in a forest

 I have always wanted to try new things. I want to explore. That is in my nature.
But that might have come with a cost.
I have become conflicting in my own thoughts. I guess it is a curse of a blessing. A curse of knowledge. That I have found things I would like to do, but, either too far away for me to even dream of, or bad for my health. Sometimes, ignorance is a bliss.
The conflicting nature of mine has found its ways into my ways. How I act, how I talk, how I behave, how I dress, how I style my hair, etc. One day, I feel like a superstar. People would greet me. Girls would smile at me. People would go out of their ways to be polite to me. Another day, I would get looks of distaste, and straight up rude. Sometimes it happens in the same day. But that is life. It is unpredictable. I thought if I could be more like life, I would be more interesting. I sure did become more interesting. But I also became like a bitch. Or something equivalent with the male noun because I'm a male.
This unpredictable thing, it has its roots deep in my subconscious. It became what I wanted to be. It dictated what I wanted to do. Eventually, even being unpredictable became predictable. So I became predictable, just to be unpredictable. But even that got old in a while. But so did I. And I grew up.
I have never encountered a person quite like me. I don't want to brag, but that was my life experience. On the few occasions that I have, we became very good friends. Because we felt connected, by our unpredictable, conflicting nature. I guess I conflicted myself right there, just to make a point, ha ha. This is how I think. Going around and around. Sometimes I get into a tangled mess, but sometimes it straighten itself out. You know, like how you found a seemingly mess of tangled wires, but when you pull the two strings, it never was a mess to begin with? But enough metaphors already. The point is, I get along well with people who are unpredictable.
With those who don't, I can get along, but not that well. We can never be true friends. At least in my definition. I treat a lot of people like my friends. I used to treat everyone like my friends, but not anymore. Either I'm just unknowingly being unpredictable again, or I'm just getting older, or both.
There are interesting people who are predictable. But somehow, I just couldn't stomach them after a while. It is like there are two thoughts inside my head. But you get bored after eating steak for a week. Same thing here.
And if you suddenly change your way, people would assume something went wrong. It feels tiring, so I change my act. Even though it is still a reasonable act for a human being, why are you so surprise of? I, personally, take joy on surprises. That is kinda how I live life. That is how I want to live life.
I guess, by that logic, then I should feel that this repetitive, spending days and days by my own like this, is also a surprise. I suppose things which went 180 to what I though it would turn out for me also a surprise. That I should feel joy in it. But that is not my kind of surprise, so I don't feel joy. I guess that is yet another surprise.
I thought that if I go abroad, I would have more fun than when I was at home. Because by the time I had made the decision to go abroad, I was so dreadful of my time being at home. But right before I had the chance to go abroad, I had so much fun. I had finally thought that I had found my place, that I had had people who I can call real friends, by my standard. But I went abroad anyway, not because I wanted to be unpredictable, but because it was an opportunity. One that looked even brighter than what I had. It turned out not to be so.
I have lost connections with everything that brought me here in the first place. I just wanted to figure out how this would be, because it was a mystery to me in the past. But when it stopped being one, I feel like I'm in a worse place than where I was. But there is one thing troubling me: If I were to go home now, would I feel the same all over again?
I would do anything to make it unpredictable.
Because the only predictable sight in front of the eyes of my mind is not pretty.
That was how I have been treating my problems. I jumped into an unpredictable scenario because the predictable one was bad. When the predictable one was good, I jumped ship without a second thought.
Sometimes, it turned out to be a good decision. Most of the time, it turned out not.
There are just too many options, and like most things in life, most are bad. I just didn't realize that I get thrills gambling my life.
But you can win in gambling. You just need to predict well. And to predict well, you need to look at facts. And calculate. You gamble if you think your chance of winning is high. Then it's not gambling anymore. It becomes playing. You don't get thrills anymore, but hey, you win. Or at the very least, not lose. But you still lost sometimes, bad luck happens.
Your greatest enemy is the one which makes you lose the ability to predict. Either by accident or intention. You may like to be unpredictable, like me, but you would not like to be unpredictable to yourself. You lose yourself and lost to yourself if that happens. Only nothingness wins in that case. And nothingness is the nemesis of meaning. You would like to mean something, do you not?
I could go on and on about this philosophically, but I will spare you and your time. This is just me finding out the reason why I do not feel connected to my friends, and why I did something the way I did. Some thoughts about how to act in the future. It is about me as always. I would love to write about you too. But who the fuck are you? Ha ha, don't take it personally. I mean, how would I know? Send me an email or something.
Until next time.