Speaking and Talking

 

I have found out that I speak better not speaking anything.
Now that was just a hateful take.
But when I speak and no one listen, or listen but doesn't give any respond, like I am speaking to a wall, I find that deeply hurtful, and that makes me want to never open my mouth again. Not even mouth, be it text messages, or any other form. I am just an attention whore like that. No, of course not. That is a rather healthy amount of attention a person should get. But I don't really know. Maybe I do need a bit more.
I don't know if I should mention this to my friends. They are the people who make me feel like this, but I don't know if they will hate me for confronting them. I have thought about doing it in a playful way, but they are an awkward bunch so I don't really know how they will respond. Especially before our big trip to Japan. I think I just won't show off anything to them anymore, and that would do it.
Let me tell you the whole story of how I turned out to feel this way.
It was Monday, and I ran away from work for a few hours making a Tokyo attraction md file. I was pretty proud of it, and I think I needed some comfort since I was pretty stressed out with the schoolwork. They have seen the message (the file) but responded nothing. A while later, they sent memes on another chat that I was also in. And it hit me hard. Combined with the stress from the schoolwork, it gave me a horrible time. Today is Thursday, and I am still thinking about it. I feel a lot better now, since I did a fair amount of work (and actually solved some parts of the exercises). There was also this feedback about the course, asking what went well, how do I do, how did I solve the exercises, what to improve, those kinds of jazz. It surprisingly gave me a huge relieve to get things off my chest. I love that course, and I really tried, and I really feel like my feedback meant something. I really cared.
And after that, and I think back about my experience with the friends ignoring my messages, and after writing all that, I feel a lot less heavy now.
I have now just realized that a huge part in why I felt that way was because of the stress I was already dealing with with the schoolwork, and I was looking for them to seek a bit of relieve. And when I got the thing that I didn't expect, I snapped a little. I have developed a bad tendency to snap when I don't get the thing that I want. I wasn't like this in the past, I swear! :)
I still wish that they would care a bit more about me, though, because we are still friends and all that stuff. I can't control them, and if they didn't feel like responding, then that's fine, that's their rights to do so, I just got to deal with it... but still...
I feel think that this is God's punishment for me for treating other people this way. Yes, I have been treating other people exactly this way, for years. Especially to my family. My mom, my dad, even my brother, when they messaged me, I tended to not care. Because I really didn't. I think I should start caring about other people more now. Especially when they have made an effort to talk to and share stuffs with me. I don't want other people to feel what I felt, and I definitely don't want to treat other people like that again. Even if I have a reason to, or I am busy, I will now make an effort to respond to other people messages. I can't say that I will actively talk to people though, because I won't. But if someone I know messages me, I won't leave them alone again. At least, I will try not to...
I have just picked up my phone, went through my messages. I won't be embarrassed to say that I have messages only from my mom and my dad. Well, I am a loner, and I think people know, so I'm just gonna solve it up your face like that lol. Even when I want to respond, to talk with them, I just don't really know what to say. All I can think of are some bullshit like "How are you doing?" or "The weather here recently is pretty bad". And I get bored fast. It is actually pretty hard to keep in touch with people. That's why I have lost most of my friends by now. Good friends, great friends, I have lost. I used to think that friends are the people you hangout with along the way, and when you stop staying close to each other, you naturally stop being friends. There are some outliers though, even for someone like me. With some people I feel like I can just talk to them, or not talk to them, however I like. And when we talk again, it feels like it was just yesterday, although it normally had been months or even years. I don't feel afraid of talking to them at all, be it striking a conversation or just me whining. I don't have a fear that they might reject me. I don't know how it has been for them, but for me, they are the type I want hangout with the most. I get to be whatever I want to be. I have never seen them confront me about anything. Although I might have confronted to them. I will try to be like them more. I will try not to confront other people. よし、決めた。I won't confront the friends I mentioned at the beginning of the post anymore. I want to let them be themselves.
Of course, the question that is circling in our head is: if I don't confront people even if I really wanted to, would I still be myself? The whole shenanigan of not confronting other people is for them not to confront you back. And of course let them be themselves and all that. Ha ha, jk. Anyway, a lot of reasons not to confront other people. But is there any reason to? As an 23.5 yo adult, I believe we should only confront other people if we really reaaaaally have to. If we can stomach it a bit for them to be themselves, we should do that. It truly is hard to tell the line where you should or should not. This whole thing is based on what you feel, after all, and feelings are unpredictable. You should go with your gut. But keep in my that letting people be themselves is a cool thing to do.
Letting people be themselves is a sign that you trust them. You believe that they are of the same level as you, therefore they would know how to behave, and what they do is what you would also have done. Letting people be themselves means a lot of things, by on the top of my head are these: not judging their tastes; not concluding why they did what they did on your own, but maybe ask them why; not feel offended by what they do, because you believe that they meant well. For the thing that they can't control, don't blame them for it. For the thing that you can let go, don't hate them for it. Man, I sounds like a saint. Well, it is good to be nice.
Needless to say you should only apply these rules to the people who you absolutely trust. Judge people before letting them be your friends. After that, treat them like your friends. People normally do the opposite. Wise words I forgot where I heard them from, but it came back through memories to serve well.
I guess the things I have been building throughout the years haven't entirely been layout to waste. Jk, I know that they aren't, as long as I keep on trying to do what I want. But I am behind on schedule, though. I have just realized that I am still so weak and stupid. Mentally, intelligently, I am. Physically, I'm doing OK, but recently I have been growing mentally and intelligently at the expense of my physical strength. Well, just a bit more after this semester I would get a (I think) healing time for my body, and to improve my physical health.
For me now, I think if I could treat physical health as healing, that would be the best. That way I won't leave a dead time but grow constantly, just switching the aspect at which I am growing. But maybe I would get tired of growing all together and have a down time again w. Time will tell.
But the fooking pollen here in Helsinki is killing me. I stay at home all day everyday scared of getting tree cums up my nose. Them tree pollen r_pe my virgin nose bloody. And me eyes too, just squirting all over the place with them tree masculine particles.