Insecurity

 I am so lame. I could never be as cool as Joe [ is hungry - an old man on a YouTube channel ]. Thank God for my friends, they accept me nonetheless. This is not a joke. I guess I have my moments, where I was funny and interesting. I guess I just feel shy and a bit scared next to people who I feel inferior to, who I think are more interesting than me. And those are the moments where I am the dullest.
Either there was something I felt I was more than them, or I put on a face, then I could talk normally to people. I always mess things up otherwise. But now that I know that, it is time to fix it.
I won't try to be more than I am anymore. That means, I won't try to act cool anymore. I would still be cool if the situation calls for it, but I would prioritize acting natural. I won't try to be weird or tell weird jokes just to stand out or force other people to involuntarily laugh anymore 😿. You can say that trying to stay natural is actually another face I put on, but through time, I have realized that this face is typically the most useful and comfortable to use. Everyone else is doing the same too. This would help me blend in with the crowd, and be a part of it. I have talked about how powerful and empowering a crowd is somewhere, maybe on my blog.
I have gone a long way to learn all these things. In my childhood until I reach high school, I had never put on a face, and I had rarely do things I didn't exactly feel true to myself. OK, that phrasing maybe misleading a bit, because what I am doing now is still what I want to do. But essentially, I have never thought about putting on a face. In fact, not until recently. The truth was, I didn't even realized that I was putting on a face. Like I said before, everyone put on a face, a mask, every time. You are the result of your experiences and your genetics, so even if you think what you are having is your "real" face, it is also a mask you choose to put on. You think you are who you were yesterday, one year ago, 10 years ago, the same person. But chemically, biologically, physically, emotionally, you are different from who you were, and who you will be. You are another person. It is true that you die every time you go to sleep. Your body changes, and you become a new person. You died, but you retain the memories of the death when you are resurrected. I have gone a bit too far digressing.
This ultimately is just me learning how to behave. Call it whatever you want, but in the end, if you act a certain way, other people would react in a certain way. The most profound impact in the way of thinking probably only affects you. It might affect others if you share your opinion, but in a way you could never fathom. You can never know what's really going on in another person brain, you can only guess. But isn't science is all about guessing, then proving what you guessed is true later? There is also experiment, but that might not be applicable here. How can you experiment on another person brain, unless they are dead? We are trying to understand what's going on inside their head right now, when they hear a sentence or see a photo, would they get it the way we intended to convey?
But you can more or less have an educated guess that they won't, especially when it comes to complicated topics. Everyone has different genetics and experiences, and those are the only things they can use to make sense of what they are seeing and hearing. You may make another educated guess that people who have been through the same situation will think more alike about topics they can relate to that same experience. Ultimately, understanding your audience would gain you a lot of insights on what are going on in their heads.
I know I kept digressing, but we are having a good flow here. To me, at least. This blog ultimately isn't about you anyway. It is for me to write what I want. A writer with no need for audiences. I'm doing this because through writing I gain insights on a lot of things I care about. Though I do feel sorry if you read my blog just to hear me saying all these. Saying that this blog is all about me doesn't mean I have anything against you. I would feel very happy if this blog helps you at all. It is just that is not my main goal in writing the blog. Just wanted to be clear, so we wouldn't have any quarrels on why I am writing all these stuffs.
Anyway,
I saw this girl on Instagram (I also know her in real life) posting photos, and I thought that she was really cool. I'm admiring her artistic sense and thinking about how successful of a person she is. Now that I'm thinking about it, it is probably a face that she chose to put on. I'm only seeing her story-self, as in the part of her brain where she can tell stories, and retain memories. I haven't interacted with her much to find out about her experience-self. So I am just having an illusion of her with a halo effect.
I feel better now. I hate the fact that I have to find some flaws in other people to be fine with myself like this. I know that I have my bright sides too, just that they aren't as bright in some places compared to other people. I'm so freaking FOMO lol. Either that, or my programming just really want to get with this girl, but my brain is saying I can't, because I don't have what it takes. It is probably the latter one.
I hate that I might develop a crush just like this. Just be cute and better than me. I'll be your chair. I hate myself.
I also hate the fact that my experience self is much different from my story self. It might be because I really do have a rather diverse experiences. The problem is, only my story self remembers them. I said I want to be her chair, but when push comes to shove, I won't.
I dated this girl, and even though I said to myself I wanted her, I really didn't. My body wouldn't even listen to me. Psychologically, I and myself were conflicted. And most likely that I still am.
My experience self is rather loyal to its own experiences too. Things that I have done, the physical feel of those, my body can't forgot. Somehow we have gotten a bit lewd here 😛.
Well, that's all I have to say today. Good night.
I hope I don't dream of her. I kept dreaming of girls recently. Why can't I just live fine alone like a lot of my friends? I blame my programming. It might have been useful on an African dessert, or in the Vietnamese jungle, but not right now. Not anymore.
I think I may die having no child because this genetics of mine isn't that useful anymore. Maybe the world would be a worst place because the human biosphere will lack 1 diversity point. Surely it has many other diversity points, arguably better or worse. But the thing is, I couldn't find a person who is suitable for me. Yet. Welp, I am almost 24, so if I live until 80 I still have 56 years, which is more than x2 my life, to go. But I'm almost 24 with no job, so I don't really know if I would be able to survive for that long. In the back of my mind, I'm still complacent because my parents are earning and I think I might be able to live my life with what they give me, but then again I want to kill myself at that point. But then again, I'm not that lazy or anything like that, so I might be able to find work soon enough. I'm telling myself that things will work itself out when I have some money of my own. I think it certain would to some extent. Money solves a lot of things. Maybe new problems would arise. But these problems at hand need to be solved, so it is inevitable to invite some new problems to solve the old ones. As long as there will be less problems over time, we are heading on the right track.