Fight. Feeble.

l faut choisir dans la vie entre l’ennui et le tourment 

Germaine de Staël

In life one must choose between boredom and suffering.

This is my fight. I know that. My fight against the darkness, against the loneliness, against the competition, against the task that falls upon me. I want to escape, to hide under a rock, to leave this world by any mean possible. That's what I want. Being alone, I have become feeble minded. I was never afraid of the dark. But I am now. And even more so because I know there is only darkness to come, because winter is coming, and I have nothing to fight against it. My enemy is something that can't be fought, but I can't run away from it either. I am imprisoned, by all the circumstances, by my family, and by myself. I have fought long and hard against the darkness, or so I thought, but in reality I have only run away from it by escaping my consciousness into one thing or another. But now I have ran out of thing to escape my mind into. There are no more rocks around here. No big ones. I have grown, but also thanks to that I cannot hide anymore. And I still have these monsters beside darkness to handle. 
Coming along with being feeble, my mind has resorted to all kinds of depravity. Anger and insanity are my sword and bullet. Gratification is my shield. Suicidal is my flight. They are the monsters I created to help myself, and sometimes the double-edged sword stabs my in the back. I have lost hope in trying to communicate with people, because of course I cannot share this plight on someone I barely know who isn't walking the same path. There aren't many of them, so I treasure them. But they can't fight along side me. No one can. This is my fight: only I am on the battlefield. They cannot join even if they wanted to, and even if I let them. Besides, they have their own fights to worry about. Even if I want them to help me, I don't know how. All past attempts just prove to be futile, and hurt me even more. The expectation that they might be able to help, only to realize that they can't, hurts me the most. Expectation hurts me the most. So I don't expect. In other words, I don't hope for anything anymore. And precisely that is what is ruining my life. And I just don't see a way out of this. There is no light, and the darkness is vast. But now that I know there will be no light, I will expect no miracle, and will be able to fight my way through the dark. At least, I will try. At least, that is what I can do. So I hate it when people give me advice; I have had enough of false hope. False hopes are the trap that led me down to this hole in the first place. I have to be 200% sure of something now to have hope. For that, I can only rely on my strength, as I know myself, at least I know myself better than anybody, and I don't know anybody else better than myself.
Now that we have got the darkness and the monster within out of the way, it is time for the main dish: the task placed upon me. While busy fighting with monsters and wending my way through darkness, I have used up all my time, energy, and resources. Now I can't spare any focus for the task at hand, meaning I cannot focus on studying, working on projects, getting a job, things that I normal person would be struggling with. I would have to do something about this. But do exactly what? I can't focus. I really want to, but I can't. I guess this is another kind of darkness. I have to wend my way through this as well. I have to try all possible ways. I will die trying if needed. I have to ready my mind. I have to brace for it. Since there is no other way. I thought that I could just do it, but I was wrong. My experience failed me, since this is the hardest task I have ever encountered. It is dead tiring; I have pass numerous tests, but there still an infinite number more to go. I just have to open my eyes to make damn sure I understand that this is the way of life. It is a struggle without end, wherever, whenever I am. And I should expect no light at the end of the tunnel either, since there are none, besides the ones I made for myself. Looking back, I can see lights: the ones I have made. But falling back and staying there isn't an option, as the light will run out, and so will the oxygen. To stay alive, I have to keep moving forward. If I can't, then I will have to find a way. There is no doubt about it. If I can't cling to anybody, then I have to be:
The struggler.
Depending on somebody else isn't my style anyway. I would rather let people depend on me. Now that I understand their plight, I won't chase them away anymore. But my struggle is still at the top priority. My survival. I could end it all, but I hate to see them win. Those cruel gods. Fear and darkness are the only things they cast upon me. I despise them. That is why I will struggle, and I will live. Maybe I will be torn apart when I finally found someone who I care for, and will need to care for them. Then things would be even more interesting as the plot thickens. But thinking about it makes me scared. I haven't even gotten past this gate yet. But then again, I don't have to worry about that until I have gotten strong. The one who clings only clings to the strong anyway. It is helpful to have them as supporters, but I cannot depend on them to survive. The one who struggles cannot cling to anyone. Or can he?
Anyway, fuck that. I have things to do now.